For many of us, we have become accustomed to entering group conversations with certain expectations. That is, colonial systems have socialized us to take our turn, raise our hands, and answer questions in a timely manner as directed. From my experience as a facilitator, those who uphold these standards and only experience conversations in this way find themselves disappointed, unmotivated, and left feeling unheard. Restorative circles are about much more than following an agenda set by a single facilitator or systemic authority; they are about inclusion, respect, and the people who make up the circle. 

The values of restorative circles originate from the traditional use of circles by Indigenous communities across the world. Within Indigenous circles, there is emphasis on viewing one another as equals, therefore each person’s input is valued and listened to. This encourages expression of diverse perspectives and feelings and provides space for sharing to occur in a non-judgemental environment. These circles create opportunities for all members to contribute in a real way. 

Unfortunately, as I suggested, too few of us have experienced this. Additionally, because so many of us haven’t been provided the opportunity or space to have respectful conversations, many of us are initially hesitant or anxious to enter circle discussions. From my experience working with men who have been socialized to avoid sharing their emotions, I have seen just how difficult it can be for folks to engage at first. 

This is normal, but it doesn’t have to be this way. So, how can we create space to hold and facilitate restorative circles? 

The circles that work best are open and flexible. As a facilitator, it is my role to trust this process. The time-old expression “go with the flow" is something I wholeheartedly invite and accept in this work. For me, this means facilitating circles without a rigid agenda and without assumptions. I may not know going into a circle where exactly the conversation will go and what everyone is really feeling, and that’s okay. What’s most important is that everyone, from start to finish, has the opportunity to talk about their own experiences in an honest way. In turn, they also are given the opportunity to hear others’ perspectives, which might validate their emotions or even lead some to recognize a need for change.

Of course, since many restorative circles begin with the assumption that harm has occurred, there also needs to be consideration of how to balance openness with safety. This is important as participants of these circles are emotionally invested in conversations to come. With many having not yet talked about harm they have experienced, emotions have been building, along with tension between folks in disagreement. With this in mind, part of my role as a facilitator is to ensure the circle is balanced and inclusive of all voices, not just a few. Sometimes, discussions about respectful boundaries are needed to maintain our ability to hear each other within circles. 

That said, it is not my role to shut down emotions or sanitize circle conversations. Circles, while needing to be respectful, must remain real. Sometimes difficult things and emotional disclosures need to be said aloud. When hard things are shared and acknowledged for the first time, there is often noticeable relief. There may be anger, silence, or breaks in the flow of conversation. Sometimes participants may even cry, or communicate they need a break. Providing space for these normal reactions is important, even if scary for some. We do our best to care for everyone’s experiences.

It’s this openness and flexibility in circles that allows for vulnerability and leads to respect. Seeing one another open up in a real way, and witnessing each person’s input being met with respect and consideration allows everyone to recognize the value in joining in. That initial anxiety and hesitance often fades and the circle opens. This is when we truly see and hear each other. This can’t happen if the opportunity to speak isn’t there, or if these important conversations are confined to unidimensional topics and stringent agendas. 

It is surprising what can come from participating in restorative circles – I have witnessed incredible change from many who have done so. I have seen the value in letting those involved lead time and time again.