I’m in the middle of helping someone else when I hear it. Across the library, raised voices coming from the teen section. A loud swear word, and the rustle of people standing up. I quickly excuse myself and head over to the area. Two large teens are face to face, looking like they’re ready to grab each other at any moment. I know these two guys, and I know that they’re friends most days. Someone must have done something foolish to cause this argument. I have to make a choice in this moment: run headfirst into the conflict and risk getting in the middle of a fight or, worse, have them turn their aggression toward me, or, try to cool the situation off before things heat up and someone gets hurt. I choose the latter.

“Hey guys,” I say in a loud but friendly voice, trying to sound as genuinely curious as possible, “what’s going on over here?” The accusations start flying back and forth, “He took my phone!” “No I didn’t!” As calmly as possible, I get the teens to take a few steps back. I hear them both out. I ask if one of them took the other’s phone. I remind them that I love a nice chill library and this isn’t working for me. Eventually, the phone is returned, the crowd disperses, and things calm down again without anyone getting hurt.

Conflict can spring up anywhere: at the bus stop, in the checkout line, over a group chat, or in a business meeting. It’s natural and inevitable that all of us come across conflict at one time or another. Some folks might run into it more often than others, like those who lead teams, those who work with the public, or those who work in communities facing disproportionate barriers. 

We all know the signs of a typical conflict starting: raised voices, aggressive body language, swearing. But there can also be subtle signs that are just as harmful, like passive aggressive or sarcastic comments, cultural microaggressions, or freezing out a person. In our restorative practice, we often think of these first signs of conflict as “heating up”: the fire of conflict is being stoked. De-escalation is a way to cool the flames and help everyone involved take a moment to regulate and ground themselves.

In the past I’ve used de-escalation tools while facilitating large group sessions, in one on one conversations, and, like in the story above, in moments of crisis where physical harm was a possibility. De-escalation is a learned skill that gets stronger and more effective the more you practice. 

Our bodies hold the key

De-escalation is rooted in how we use our bodies in moments of conflict. Posture, body language, eye contact, and speed of movement all send powerful messages to those around us about our intentions. If someone is heating up and looking for a fight, how will it make them feel if I walk straight up to them and stand face to face? Probably like they’re a boxer in a ring just waiting for the starting bell to “ding”. However, if I sidle up beside them and speak to them from a few feet away, their threat response is lowered and they may be more receptive to what I have to say. 

If a customer is complaining about something at my workplace and my default response is to cross my arms in front of my chest and look down my nose at them…well, you can imagine that they are not going to see me as an ally. Open, relaxed body language sends the message that I’m receptive to their feedback. This helps the person feel heard, even if ultimately I’m not able to give them what they want.

In 2019 I was fortunate to take training from Ryan Dowd. He runs a large homeless shelter in Illinois and offers training specifically geared towards de-escalating conflict between library staff and individuals experiencing homelessness. He shared many gems with us during that training, but a mantra of his that has stuck with me is “Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.” When conflict occurs, even when we aren’t directly involved, our blood pressure rises, our stress hormones elevate, and we may go into a trauma response like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s understandable that we might barrel in head first to try and shut down the conflict before it gets worse. But sometimes in our rush to “fix” the situation, we can actually cause more harm. When we take the time to slow down and assess the situation (even if only for a few extra seconds), it gives us the chance to see what’s really going on and we can tailor our de-escalation approach. When we slow down, we smooth out the edges, and that actually lets us react more quickly and with better results.

Conflict can be a good thing

While cooling the flames of conflict can prevent a situation from becoming more harmful, it doesn’t mean that we should bottle up our feelings and become a doormat when conflict arises. It’s healthy and important to express our emotions in safe and productive ways like journaling, speaking to a loved one, working with a therapist, or engaging in a debrief process with your team. And it’s helpful to remember that sometimes conflict can actually be productive. Conflict forces us to look at an issue more closely and examine why it’s causing folks to lose their cool.  

Claire Leger (she/her pronouns) is a community connector and youth worker located in Kjipuktuk (Halifax, NS). She has worked for Halifax Public Libraries as a Teen Specialist since 2017, supporting youth in Clayton Park and Fairview via programming, volunteerism, and advocacy. She is also certified as a Nonviolent Crisis Intervention Workplace Trainer through the Crisis Prevention Institute. In addition, Claire is a yoga instructor and has worked with diverse groups of all ages to incorporate mindfulness practices into daily life. She is a Co-Facilitator with Restorative Approach.